Side not....I came across a page filled with these little square message things...I hated them at first...I love them NOW...don't be surprised to see them quite a bit.

I'm not a victim...I don't need to be saved...
I don't need you to ride up and rescue me
I can take care of myself

I don't want you to come dashing to my aid
or for you to come and heal this pain
I like it here...in this self imposed
loneliness.

I'm not a victim....I don't need to be saved...
I don't need you to ride up and rescue me
I can take care of myself.

I don't want you to be there to dry my eyes
Or throw your coat around my shoulders
and shield me from this blistery...
self...destruction

I'm NOT a victim...I don't need to be saved...
I don't need you to ride up and rescue me
I can take care of myself.

You can't come in here...and hold my hand while I scream
I don't need your hugs to calm my fears
I don't want you pity at the site of my tears
or...self...abuse

I  am NOT a Victim...I don't need to be saved...
I don't need you to ride up and rescue me
I can take care of myself.

I'm not expecting you to help me.
I don't need no help...I got here on my own...
I'll get out with out you there...
This is my period of...self...neglect.

I'm am NOT a victim...I don't need to be saved...
I don't need you to ride up and rescue me
I can take care of myself.

I'm not asking you to come to me every time I call you
I don't want you to HAVE to be that shoulder
Or the one there to break each of my falls...
I'm not asking you to do anything...

Except...

Maybe I am a victim...and I DO want to be saved...
Ride up and rescue me...I can't take do this by myself
I'm not perfect and I know that now...
I'm just...a little scared and...

I'm not asking you to make my life your own or...
to stop all this pain...just
maybe if you TRY to save me...things will be..
better.
 

Beautiful Surprise :: India.Arie

It’s like yesterday…I didn't even know your name…Now today…You're always on my mind…I never could have predicted that I feel this way…You are a beautiful surprise…Intoxicated every time I hear your voice…You've got me on a natural high…It's almost like I didn't even have a choice…You are a beautiful surprise…Whatever it is you came to teach me…I am here to learn it cause
I believe that we are written in the stars…I don't know the future holds…But I'm living in the moment…cause I'm thankful for the “man” that you are, you are, you are…You are everything I ask for in my prayers…So I know my angels brought you to my life…your energy is healing to my soul…You are a beautiful surprise…You are inspiration to my life…You are the reason why I smile…You are a beautiful surprise.

Isn't this song just the best? Have you ever really sat down and really THOUGHT about what India is saying here? Awesome isn't it?

Ohk...so...I don’t even really know where I want to go with this. I think I feel like writing a poem, but them maybe I just feel like writing as I think. Hell if I know. Maybe I should call Ms. Cleo and ask her advice. Wonder what she would tell me to do. LOL…ok so I just tickled myself with that one. Anyway, lets see…I’m just gonna write…we’ll see what comes.

I wanted to tell you something today. Maybe sing you a song or write you poem. SOMETHING to tell you or show or perhaps do both that would tell you where I am, where I’m going and of course…where I’m coming from. I want to tell you all the things that are great about you, right about you…all the things I LOVE about you. All the things that are perfectly imperfect about you. The way you sigh, and the way you talk shit, and the way you make me laugh just by saying hello. I wanted you to know that I am caught up in you…wrapped in love and tangled in joy. I wanted to tell you how…I get lost for days in your eyes and your thoughts…when you share them…they carry me far away from here. I wanted to find the most profound way to say…Simplicity is stargazer lilies, and smiling so much it hurts. Love is thinking of you and seeing a future, knowing that with you…there are infinite infinities. Loving you is easy and being in love is like cookies and cream on a cone on the hottest day in August. Wanted to let you know that…reflecting back and looking forward there probably isn’t a moment that I haven’t loved you…wanted to connect with you mentally…capture you emotionally…bind you to me physically.  I wanted to find away to get you to know…sometimes I sit and marvel at the beauty of you. Not just the superficial but the deep as well. You challenge me to do better…to think more…to want to BE better. You can’t imagine the impact that you presence has had on me. I wanted to give you a single rose along with my transcribed thoughts…so you could see that it’s the SIMPLE things about you that made ALL the difference. Roses aren’t my thing and neither are long drawn out conversations…but I’d do it for you. I had this desire to say something that would make it all clear, do something that would bring you an understanding of all that it is you are to me. I sat there and I tried and tried to find just the right way to get my point across to you. Sat there for hours…nothing was good enough. Words weren’t strong enough; even the most perfect lilies didn’t smell sweet enough. I tried for the longest to get my thoughts in line to find just the right way to make you understand what I feel, after hours of contemplation I came up with the perfect words to say just what I wanted…I Love You.

Ohk…so…I wrote what I was thinking off the top of my head. DNHD This one’s for you…thank you for challenging me to do this. Challenging me to once again get my thoughts on paper. I knew I still had it in me the ability to write, I’d lost it for a while, our conversation today made it all clear. Inspiration hit me from all angles. Thank you. For being my friend, for loving me, for always being the best you when we are together and therefore allowing me to be the best me.  Love Ya  Laydee.

*I am ready for love…why are you hiding from me…I’d quickly give my freedom to be held in your captivity*

Ohk…so…I’ve been thinking…[and living and breathing] I’ve come to a decision, I’ve NOT as anti-love as I like to pretend that I am. I AM however anti-drama/confusion/distrust/emotional distress etc. Although LOVE itself [rather the concept] does not include any of the aforementioned ideals. LOVE the action does. I can’t  [rather WON’T] deal with the drama/melodrama that is included in most love/lust situations.  I mean…I’m 22 yrs…got a place that I can call mine…I got a job that pays rather well and is actually [though stressful] fulfilling…but yet…there’s something missing. Something that leaves a longing. Makes me mourn for myself, and of course I’m still living. There’s this PIECE that isn’t there…leaving my puzzle as yet unsolved. _{I crave this piece…long for this piece…desire this piece with a passion that borders on hedonistic obsession.} Yet and still…I find myself afraid to approach any situations that may lead [if not to that piece] in the direction of completion. I’m afraid of all the things that can go wrong while my heart searches for all the things that happen correctly. I like to hide myself behind my favorite statement “I’m not really ready for anything serious”…which I would’ve sworn on a stack of bibles was the truth. I don’t know when the winds of change made themselves present, but there they are…they blew ALL UP in my face and dropped this want in my lap. Often at night I lay alone in my room or sit here at this computer [as I do tonight] and I wonder when and if LOVE….THE RETURN will begin to show in my movie theater. I call it the return because of course I have been there…so this…this is more like me longing for a sequel that is DESTINED to be better than the one before.

I’ve spent so much denying myself an emotional connection that…I can’t even lie. I’m afraid to form one. I mean…I know of two ppl right now who are professing their love for me. The first…that’s LAUGHABLE…he…[YES HE]…is an old old old old ex of mine …we’re talking when I was like 14 or so. He’s been telling me he loved me and to give him a chance to show me since her found out that I am a lesbian…his “love” has no bearing what so ever in my mind. The second person is…well…a beautifully wonderful woman. I love her dearly…however I am not in love with her. I don’t know why. I ask myself often why I am unable to return the love that she has for me. I mean as I said I do love her. I just do not love her as she loves me. I just…I don’t know…I just can’t seem to get myself in that direction…that is NOT to say that I may or may not EVER at some point be in love with her…cause only the creator knows the future…I haven’t been able to completely wrap my mind around that issue yet. 

When I think about the love that I want… this is what I think…Run your fingers through my [soon to be] locs and tell me that you were thinking about me today…tell me that you saw something on the news that you KNEW I would want to know about so you wrote it down so you could remember to tell me…ask me how my day was and WANT to know the answer…tell you missed me with out saying a word…talk to me…talk with me…mend me…heal my soul with your soothing thoughts. Tell me who you are…who you want to be…what scares you. I’m afraid of heights and bridges…what about you? I won’t ask you for much…just treat me, as you want me to treat you. Love me …trust me…allow me to be able to trust you. Respect from me is inevitable…love from me is inevitable. Understand that I am emotional that I am antisocial…that I am at times a recluse. Accept me for all my idiosyncrasies and ALL the things that may or may not piss you off, and I PROMISE I will love you for all that you are and even more for all that you aren’t. If you can take me good bad an ugly …I promise you that I will take you the same way. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for…maybe it is…who really knows…all I know is…I’m ready…and I’m not…I’m excited and I’m afraid. I don’t know which direction to turn. Here’s me…here’s the fork…which way do I go?